A Thank You Letter to Debbie from a Special daughter
When I was younger, I wasn’t living a very safe life. My Birth Mother kept me around any and all dangers, especially sexual predators. I was raped numerous times by 5 different men. Starting from when I was 3 years old until I was about 11-12 years old. It seemed like every time the guy had the same mentality, they would threaten me and hurt me so that I wouldn’t tell anyone. Some of the guys would tell me that my mom would hate me or that I was a bad girl and deserved what was coming to me. One even threatened to kill me.
When all this was happening to me I became very scared and angry. I held all of my emotions in because I was scared my mom really would hate me and not love me anymore. I hated that I was always fearful of getting hurt. It seemed like if I had said anything to anyone I would get hurt from the guys but if I didn’t tell I was still getting hurt, because the guys were scared of me saying something. They wanted to make sure I wouldn’t say a word. As I got older I started to become angry all the time. That was probably the worst thing to happen to me.
Once I did tell it wasn’t fully taken care of. I still needed the help emotionally. Without that help I started to act out sexually towards other people. I Mostly acted out to older men, guys my age and younger. There would occasionally be girls, including my own sisters. I was confused, because I was introduced to sex at an early age. Once I had that feeling I wanted it all the time. I wanted to have the upper hand in the situation though. I didn’t like feeling scared that I would get hurt. With me being in control I felt safer.
I would do things like invite guys to the movie theatre, and tell them I would give them oral sex. I would plan to have sex with my boyfriend over the weekend and tell my mom I was going to a friend’s house. I would try to go to the mall all the time so I could meet up with some guy who I knew I could persuade to have sex with me. When I would ride the school bus home I would let guys feel on my chest or give them a hand job. I did everything I could to keep my control.
I ended up becoming sicker and sicker because I felt like I was getting love from the guys. I thought they liked me because I would do those things. It wasn’t true. They would call me a hoe and I ended up getting a pretty bad reputation in school. That started to make me realize that I needed to change. I didn’t know how I was going to do that but I wanted to try. It was hard to lose the control; I didn’t want to feel scared all the time.
Once I started to get healthier I realized the difference between right and wrong. Before, I didn’t know the difference of feeling sexy and feeling sexual. With everything that happened to me when I was younger, it was hard to tell the difference of a healthy and an unhealthy relationship. Now I can point out the pros and cons to every guy I meet. I know which guy to pick out, so that I am not being held back.
I feel a lot happier with my life. Now I am the one being chased by the guys for the attention, it’s not the other way around anymore. I am sad to think that I have done the things I have in the past, but it’s the future I am proud of. I know I won’t hurt myself or other people in a sexual manor anymore. It’s hard to forgive yourself for these things but if you have a mother who helps you forgive yourself and helps you get healthy that makes life a lot easier.
I wouldn’t be the person I am today without my adoptive mom. I believe she was the key to me getting healthy. She cared enough for me that she pushed me and pushed me until I broke. Then she fixed me back up again. Now I have a very successful career going on for myself and am truly in love with my Boyfriend. There were many paths I could have traveled but I am happy that I chose this one.